And here comes one more story…
It’s been a long time for what I am thinking to write, my nerves says write when my heart counterattack to tell don’t, and it’s not your time. Wait, wait and wait till you become sure of what stands ahead is yours or just a bright light, too bright to make you see through, enough indeed to turn you blind. This is funny right? Without light you are blind and with light, too bright you are blind as well. An irony to describe but how should I? How can I? It’s not my job to describe every side of good and bad, even if it is, there is a different perception in every mind. What I believe is good might not be the same for someone else and what I find bad might be good to someone. How can I convince my heart to choose in this situation I never wanted to be in and somehow drowned and I couldn’t swim?
How do I find my escape to the deep seas running along the currents, turning water hot and cold with up and down swirls? And there I am tumbling and rumbling against my will and I am pacing towards a cyclone, almost to reach and yes I am afraid, scared of being lost in oblivion and never being seen again. For my whole life I wanted this to happen to go extinct and never been noticed and remembered ever again but now when I am to have this come true I am breaking into litters of nobody, no human, no existence and shaming into my coward state.
And I wonder, what is this change? Which turned me a fluttering brain? Maybe I was born a fragile body but never with a feeble soul. My heart was an asset for bravery and brain for wisdom, but I found it to be losing and then lost somewhere I can’t reach anymore and I am weak, too weak to take any stand to make any choice and to see any right. And I am falling like never before, with no hopes and dreams to see the calm moon and beautiful sunrise again.
I feel tired and nauseated because of the salt and water filling my lungs above its level, I cannot breathe, I need air, I need space, I need an escape to dry land to breathe in and to cough out this gritted unease and I can’t find my escape. I am falling deep like a baby in a mother’s womb waiting to come out to have its first breath and feel the freshness of getting over the stressed state, but I cannot make it. And I am drowning and I see the light too bright for me to even see in my own memories and then it’s dark like I never felt before and I am almost at the bottom, I can feel the closeness of that sand which is calling me, ready to shelter my body and occupy my soul into the seas and never release it to the universe. And there I am throbbed at the land with no noise but an agitation in surrounding water, a little disturbance enough to make it turbid and annoy the life under there. Probably they must hate me to occupy their personal space and coming like an intruder or maybe they are celebrating to have feasts for a month to rely on with no efforts and run for food. But there I am, feeling suffocated inside that mortal residues of human body cuffing my soul inside and I am begging every second of those tiny friends under there to scavenge all my sin and let me help have an escape from this burden, leaving it behind to them living under depths of water, to help release the trapped soul to universe, back to home, to feel the dark and light together, to live like a free form, free energy in a poised system. But I am cursed, cursed to stay deep there, untouched even by the scavengers and strife and remain broken for the committed sins. And yes I can see I have fallen that deep, that, I can never rise again with any hope to see another day, another tomorrow with any glory or a good story for myself to be in peace. Everything stated in parts, like a chapter forming a book, stone framing a road, hopefully leading to dreams and a life building to transient paradise with a reality of shallowness in terms of deep love, blindness in terms of light and distressed in terms of happiness.
My suffering speaks all of it but I can never be heard and never be seen as this is the nature’s way of putting justice to doings I have made and had been.
And there was me, cold, asleep, lying deep into the sea.