Shikha's Journal

“Stolen words…”

Stolen Words

You remembered or not but I told you once, every time someone walks off my life takes a part of it. Some take a bit, some take a little more than that and someone takes all, leaving not even a shit. And here is the surprise gift of my life, it just happened to me like I have said. Today I am standing at the crossroads, thinking, trying, fighting, rattling inside to find a single reason to get back started again with life and damn you, you just left me with nothing inside but a hollow empty vessel wishing for some angels to enter  this meat suit and fill it with some soul, with some purpose. The tragedy is when your God leaves you alone with just a stamp of suspicion on your head, you really don’t know whom to consult for an advice, which church to worship for forgiveness, forgiveness for not really being a sinner yet being prepared for purge, forgiveness for faith, forgiveness for love, forgiveness for asking, forgiveness for looking and forgiveness for being a human.  I knew life never comes easy and handy and if you are demanding love, it is like selling your soul to a demon and expecting not to be betrayed. Well, when your angels just turn against you what on heaven could save you from being ripped into pieces.  And this is what my life is now, as a huge fiery pit of hell inside me, burning day and night, torturing me in every possible way, feeding on my words and it seems I can’t take it, not anymore, I  can’t hold myself, I have to surrender and let it take what it wants of me.

I am a writer and for me, heaven means words and hell means losing them. My heaven is flourished with ideas and thoughts and I am sorry I am a human being so I have emotions too. When every emotion stands up together right against your thoughts, it just creates the exact hell which is impossible to escape and you just give up not in seconds, but sooner or later you do.  Trust me I tried everything, I rode the streets, hit the mountains, headed the oceans and wandered the woods but I couldn’t find any hope, any lead which could save it. I just couldn’t find anything to settle down the rage, negotiate the love, accept the unacceptable and then I had to pay. I tried too hard to hold on, I tried not to give up but slowly, slowly I was being eaten up and then there was nothing left but a whole volcano of silence, they took everything, even my words, and all of it leaving me with nothing but a dead soul I couldn’t deal with.  You have stolen my words and I can’t have them back.

I still tried to love you with only left scrapping of my heart, I tried to trust you again, I tried to be together, again, but I couldn’t find any good reason to keep going, keep holding and keep waiting for the light to enlighten my way. All I could see was darkness with the emerging monsters haunting me every day and night, and I knew I can’t fight them, I can’t win over them. So it has to end. I know I won’t be the same again, I won’t be the writer I wanted to be, but I will be the human and I will be something, far away from you, fighting and struggling for peace, not in a day but someday, I know I will have it with me.


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